The ultimate guide to re-igniting your married sex-life – 6 easy stages

We’ve been told it’s normal for married sex-life to go down, right? If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, chances are high that sex isn’t so high anymore. So that makes sense?

If you’re one of the guys who gets it for his birthday or one of those who had sex twice in 6 YEARS, or you just want better quality, and not just quantity, then my friend, there is hope! You’re at the right spot.
These stages work with ANY woman, for one good reason: we don’t change them, we change us!

This requires a ton of work and introspection, but trust me, I’ve seen lots of marriages where suddenly sex was frequent, wet, and new. Stuff like blowjobs and anal were suddenly on the table. Isn’t that, what you want?
If you really want this, you can make it work. If not, this will make you realize you have the wrong woman. Although I’d say about 90% of all ladies are capable of this.

Before we start

Woman in red dress with sensual wedding stockings
You once married that hot, sexy, woman. You can have her back.

Before we start, let’s preface this a bit with some things:

  • This is SOLELY designed for relationships and marriages, if you’re spinning plates, well, nothing wrong with making you a better man, but not the target audience for this article.
  • If this is too much work for you, fuck you, you weak turd. Just divorce her already, get into a new relationship with the same weak frame, and end up at the same place.
  • Some relationships can’t be salvaged. I’m not stupid. But at least give it a try.
  • You have to LIKE your woman for this to work. If sex wouldn’t exist, would you still be around her? No? Then make an exit-plan and leave her, there is no point.
  • Yes, this also works if you have kids. I have a son, a few months old, and my wife and I still fuck like mad.
  • The end of this is either a truly wet dick on your part or your realization that this will never work out with her. But I’d say it works 90% of the time.
  • DO NOT SKIP STEPS! These are sequential! And be honest with yourself if you cleared a stage, before proceeding to the next!

This is a multi-month (maybe even years) plan on how to get back into her. What? Too long, you say? If anyone tells you, you can get her wet hot for you in a week after 10 years of dead bedrooms, he is straight lying. Or probably selling something.

People don’t change that quickly. And especially women want to know if you’re really who you say you are. So there is generally a delay.

Great, we made that clear. If you still want to know how to have a great fucking… fucking! Even after years of being married. Read on!

What is the reason for a lacking married sex-life?

nice guy gets laid free info

The reason why you are in a sexless marriage is usually that you slacked off. Plain and simple. Physically as well as mentally. Or maybe you just didn’t know what you are supposed to do, because society fed you a ton of lies. I was the latter, so I feel you.

After about a year into the marriage, I was playing videogames, sometimes hitting the gym, eating junk, never seducing the wife, just demanding sex, no mission, no purpose, just existing and coasting through life.

Obviously, that didn’t fly. That’s when a lot of guys say, “my wife never initiates.” Fuck that. First of all, you’re a man, you initiate 99% of the time. That’s how it is, get fucking over it.

Secondly, why would she feel tingles for such a weak loser who gets nothing done? Has no ambitions?

She probably feels like your mother, doing your laundry, cleaning the house, cooking? Notice a pattern? Does she everything around the house? Maybe even take care of the finances? Think about it for a second.

Does she act like your mother a lot of times? Probably. And you wonder why your sexual intimacy in marriage is down the drain?

Don’t listen to her reasoning

You probably heard from your wife, “Women just aren’t so much into sex.”

That’s bullshit. She is very much into sex. Just not with you.

Women ARE sexual beings, and they are gladly taken by a dominant man, but you aren’t (anymore). You’re a shell of your former self, the man she fell in love with and wanted to suck his brains out.

The problem is that you communicate with your wife the wrong way. Never ask a woman why she doesn’t want to have sex with you. She doesn’t know!

All you do is give her reasons as to why it might be. Which are rarely rooted in reality. I go into more detail about this in the article why communicating with your wife is horseshit.

I always advise people to develop a third-person view of themselves. When you interact with your wife, look at what actually happens.

Is there anything sexy happening throughout the day? Or is it just house chores, and taking care of the kids? When does she ever have time to think about your married sex-life?

It all comes down to the environment. You need to build the environment for her sexuality to flourish. It’s not as hard as you think, and women aren’t that complicated. Way easier than you think, actually.

They just want a captain, a proper man who steers the ship, so they can relax and bloom for you. You’ve just been fucking drunk at the wheel for a while. Read this post about that, it will open your eyes.


A man is made by how much he doesn’t say.

The conqueror

You have been talking too much, my friend. And I do mean that literally. Women like mysterious men. When she isn’t quite clear what you’re on about, that is interesting to her. The chase of the unknown.

Now, I am not talking about never telling her where you are going. But the things you do, she doesn’t need to know. For example, my wife still doesn’t know I run this blog, and make money selling books online.

Because why would she? Ask yourself. Why would you tell her that? To brag, right? “Look, I am making money online!” That is weak and needy.

You are trying to impress her. But you don’t need to do that. You’re a man on your own. You don’t need to impress anyone. That’s what women like.

This is your mantra from now on! SHUT THE FUCK UP. A man has no need to explain his actions! Your wife will probably start asking questions about what’s going on when you change yourself to be more manly. Women are sensitive to change, they will try to test if this is real or bullshit. Don’t explain yourself.

And NEVER explain your plan!

If you tell her you’re trying to become a better man to gain access to her pussy, you are still dependent on her! Read this post about the dissected boobs and why it is important to not tell anybody.

Don’t fix yourself for her! The dancing monkey

I know you want to get in there. Your married sex-life is on the brink of extinction and you just really want to fuck her. Badly. But this mindset is some weak shit.

There are billions of women out there, and probably a few thousand or hundred would gladly suck your cock. These 6 stages will make an even better man out of you. This is for YOU!

Either your wife will pick it up, and enjoy your body, or you find a woman who does. Probably stage 0.5 is: Get rid of that dependency on her! Do it for YOU!

Because otherwise, you will end up as a dancing monkey. This phrase was coined by a clever man on the married redpill subreddit.

This lad noticed that he was doing all these things because he wanted her to put out. And while I realize the dissonance because I am literally writing a post on how to make you better, so you have sex, I need to set your mindset right.

Don’t to it for her! Fixing yourself is a journey on your own. You don’t try to become a better man for her, you try to become a better man. Period. Again, if she is the one sucking your brains out or another woman, doesn’t matter. You will improve yourself!

But anyway, let’s start with the plan.

Stage 1 – Outcome independence

Brutally handsome old man with beard cigar and whiskey truly having outcome independence

Rollo Tomassi keeps repeating himself when he says that “Frame is everything” and it is. Especially for your married sex-life, this is your basis. But Frame itself is such an abstract concept, here is a post that explains it, and following is what I mean in the context of your marriage.

Be not affected by her sexual denials.

That is your first step. Keep initiating like you always did, but ffs don’t be butthurt when she says “no.” That’s weak.

It shows that she has control over your emotions. Nobody but you should have that power. It also tells that you are dependent on her, which is weak on so many levels.

The bull doesn’t care how many times the cows reject him. He will keep going for it.

The conqueror

Yes, your wife obviously does have control over your sex-life. Because she is the only woman you stick your dick in. But only because she knows exactly that she has you under control with her pussy. Because you get emotional or butthurt, every time she declines.

Be cool, and proceed as if nothing happened. Better, go into the initiation with outcome independence. Approach her, but learn to not care if sex happens or not. This will take time! For you to internalize this, and for her to buy that. It should take about 3 weeks before she actually buys into it.

How to be outcome independent?

Firstly, you need to realize why you get butthurt about it. And the answer is because you need the external validation. Getting sex from her validates you as a man and as a person. In your head.

It makes you more confident since you got laid, and because that woman is hot for your dick.

The issue lies within yourself. You might deny it right now, but I know it’s true, because I’ve been there. If you really introspect and ask yourself why sex is so important to you, then this is your answer. It makes you feel more of a man. And that is a fallacy.

While sex is important to a man, especially a thriving married sex-life – otherwise I wouldn’t write thousands of words about it – it doesn’t define you. Shakespeare was a celibate. Nietzsche was a celibate. Involuntarily or not, doesn’t matter. They didn’t have sex at all, and they were still great men!

As long as your personal “worth” depends on your wife spreading her legs, you will never be outcome independent in your married sex-life, and thus, it will suck. Not literally.

Because you’re always so stiff (ha) and so concerned about the outcome when you initiate. This makes you nervous, and weird. Women pick these subtle cues up very heavily.

Trust me, the sooner you incorporate that mental model, and just don’t care if you get laid today or not, the sooner you will actually get laid. Paradoxical, I know. But remember, we’re dealing with women, it doesn’t have to make sense.

Silence = outcome independence

Also, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Literally. She might wonder what’s happening, and ask you, “are you mad?”

Mostly, because you actually have been mad in the past when she didn’t do it. Do not explain yourself! Just say, “No, honey, all good!” and smile. Like, a real smile though. Switch the topic to what you were going to do and be chill as always.

As I said, under no circumstance, ever, tell her what you’re up to.

This will take a while before she swallows it. When you start with stage one, she won’t buy it for a few weeks. Don’t worry. Be steady, keep initiating, but don’t be butthurt about it.

Learn to love yourself, this will be easier after stage 2, but internalize, that while you fucked up in the past, you’re still a catch as a man. This will help you with sexual denials. Just think, “Damn, how can you resist such a man, lady?” And if you actually have a good body, and developed your frame, you can say that to her. But again, later.

Don’t be too happy in your married sex-life

This might sound weird. But when you initiate, and you actually get some, do not immediately fall back into old patterns because it worked. I made that mistake, and was suddenly a bubbly, funny guy, right after. Which told her it’s fake.

Stay the cool dude. You’re not affected by her sexuality. You’re a strong man. You just got laid, there is nothing crazy about it. Really, there isn’t, if you think about it.

It’s very natural, and it would happen to you anyway. With her, or not.

Women are crazy hot for strong men who aren’t phased by them.

Emotionally, or sexually. Remember, they are impulsive, and emotional (which is what you want in bed, right?), so they need a strong masculine force that is rooted. A rock in the sea which isn’t moved by waves and strong currents.

You just had sex. It is expected. Nothing to go crazy about.

Shit tests

Start to recognize and pass shit tests. As well as comfort tests. This is important. It will build your Frame because it is part of it. This all sounds very abstract, I know. Read No more Mister Nice Guy and When I say No, I feel guilty. These books are mandatory!

“More reading???”

Fuck you.

Are you gonna put in the work, or what? You’ll learn how to properly interact with women and get what you want, how is that not worth reading 2-3 books? Goddamn, you kids.

Stage 2 – The heavy lifting

masculine body post1

Develop an action plan to improve the major areas of your life. Physical, psychological, spiritual, financial. This is called the Treasure Map which I added to my book (more reading again?), but generally, it’s just a planned approach on “how to adult.”

Money is probably tight since you never strive for something. Constantly worrying about bills steals energy. Yours and hers. Fix your damn finances. Learn about psychology (i.e. the books above), and spirituality. Become a decent person ffs.

Pity the man who never gets to experience what his body is capable of. He never gets to bend reality by pure strength.

The conqueror

Also, the most important part. FUCKING LIFT! Get a program like the Achilles program or any of the other Alexander Cortes programs and LIFT!

Don’t just move weights about, LIFT HEAVY! Fix your diet, lose body fat, gain muscle! Dad-bods are bullshit, and if your wife tells you, it’s fine, or as mine did, “It’s softer to lay my head on it”, BULLSHIT!

Women like muscular guys. Yes, The Rock might be too much, but you’re not The Rock. Not even close.

You are gonna hit the gym 3-4 times a week and lift to exhaustion. This alone helps better the married sex-life for most. It is biology, we like curvy girls, they like muscular men. It’s nature.

You’ll also start to enjoy the looks you get from other women, this further builds confidence. This is your basis! If you’re not lifting, it all falls flat!

But she stopped caring, too!

I know what you think, “Why should I put in the work? She doesn’t dress nice, either! I don’t even remember when I saw her in a thong the last time!”

Remember, women are followers. You may not believe me when I say this, but as soon as you start improving yourself, and you go at it for a few months, you will notice this very quickly. They do what you do.

It took about 3 months for me before my wife really started to come around. Now, when I work out at home, she wants to work out as well.

When I dress well for going out, she puts in more effort. When I change my diet to eat healthier, she asks about it, and 1-3 weeks later, she is on the same path.

The man leads, the woman follows. But since you neglected your leadership for so fucking long, she doesn’t even want to follow. Ask yourself, if you were your own subordinate right now. Would you follow YOU? Are you someone worth following? Is there something about you worthy of picking up?

The answer is probably, “No.” And you wonder why your married sex-life is shit? You don’t lead anywhere, and probably not in the bedroom. Why should she submit to you?

Fucking lead! Lead by fixing your diet, your gym routine, your body. This is where we start. Changing clothes is a later stage. For now, fix your physical, naked appearance.

Have proper sex. Wife or mother, she still wants to fuck

At this point, you might already get some pussy again, depending on how bad your situation was. It is important that you apply some proper sex. I’d say, the chance is 99% that you’re shit in bed. You thought you should take care of her, all the time, get her off every time, etc.

Social conditioning again, my friend!

Women like dominant men, paired with huge emotion. This will come very easy because deep inside you, you are that man. That dominant man who just wants to fuck her like the bad girl she is. But guess what, she likes it!

Read my article on how to be a sex god and slowly introduce some of the concepts in there. If you’re good in bed, she obviously wants more sex. Simple, right?

Imagine yourself. If she just lays there doing nothing (which is probably the case right now) it’s not really “good” sex. Like the sex you had in the beginning. You just do it to get your fix and your external validation.

But you would much rather have her wet hot for you, in sexy lingerie, going crazy on your dick. Well, it’s the same for her.

You stopped being dominant and just taking her. You cowardly ask for sex, you’re nervous and weird. And then you never change positions because you’re afraid she might not like it. Hence why she’s not interested in that lame-ass sex.

Again, when you have sex, make it count. Fuck her real good. Read about the sex god method.

Stage 3 – Get busy

Hunter with hat and rifle in sunlight

At this point, you start to build a life apart from your wife. This isn’t to slowly move out. This is because you are an interesting person.

You probably had hobbies you ditched in marriage for your kids, your wife, or generally because you “didn’t have the time anymore.” Yeah, keep lying to yourself.

Whatever your hobbies were (they should be outside the house), get back into them. Take up a cause, discipline, or whatever. DO something apart from your family. You are still a person on your own. Show it. Be it!

A true man has things to do. A cause to follow, a discipline to partake. If you sit around, wasting precious life-time, you are but a shell of a boy.

The conqueror

Read The Way of the Superior Man by David Dieda to set your mind right.

How does this help my married sex-life?

Look. When you first started dating and weren’t living together. It was exciting to see her again, right? Because you probably couldn’t see her for a week. Then you finally met, and it was exciting, hot, crazy, and full of desire.

After years of waking up next to each other, this is gone. If you are constantly around your woman, it’s just not that exciting anymore and you two lose your masculine and feminine polarity. Your ordinary everyday life got so big, it took any breath away from your married sex-life.

Which is why you need to get out! Best bet is to go hang out with your buddies.

Be around other men, replenish your masculine energy.

Make her miss you because your attention is finally gone. It’s even better if she also goes out and meets with her girl friends, so she can replenish her feminine energy. This increases polarity when you finally get back together.

This is also why some couples work out better after a “pause” or a break-up. They rarely fixed the underlying issues, but they increased their polarity again, and so there was more desire and positive tension!

Masculine purpose win-win

However, getting busy and being on your own also brings you back to your purpose. You’re a man, you need a purpose. A mission to follow.

This will get your head out of your married sex-life and back into yourself. There are 1 billion other things to do in this life than to get into your wife.

Get back into your hobbies, pick up a cause, a calling. Do something you enjoy doing. This will finally make you like yourself again. Because you have something to do.

This will validate you internally. You are someone without getting your dick wet.

Don’t take this lightly! Since I picked up my cause, which is helping men like you, I basically stopped caring about sex 99% of the time. I have other things to do, and to take care of. And funnily enough, since I don’t care so much about sex, my wife is suddenly the one sliding under my bedsheets…

Married sex-life while she’s pregnant?

If your wife is currently pregnant and you came here because sex stopped (which is likely due to hormones and the bodily changes in pregnancy), tread carefully. I’m serious.

Imposing the further stages of conditioning and thus some form of dread onto your pregnant wife HAS ruined marriages in the past, which might’ve otherwise worked.

Now, pregnant girls still want to fuck (unless she is vomiting all day, so be honest here. If she is sick all day, don’t be mad about no sex…), but through pregnancy she needs way more comfort.

Remember, she decided on 9 months of being sexually unattractive to other men. She needs to know she can rely on you.

You still improve yourself, and it will help get her around. However, the following stages impose some forms of dread which might backfire heavily throughout pregnancy. Works much better when she is a “normal” woman. So be careful in that stage.

Yes, you might be looking at months of no sex during and half a year after pregnancy, but you have to bite that bullet. I generally advise AGAINST going further or too heavy here until your kid is approaching 1 year.

Stage 4 – Conditioning for a proper married sex-life

couple on bed passionate sex

Begin to condition your wife. I know, I said we don’t change the woman, but this is more or less an effect. You are a busy man now, you don’t have time for a sexually disinterested, annoying, or angry wife.

Take up another cause if need be. This is also a great time to join a martial arts club.

A note about the conditioning: Don’t be butthurt. If she denies sex, don’t drive off with squealing tires. Be cool as we learned in Stage 1, and do some of your other causes. Gym, MMA, whatever.

If she asks about it just say, “I need some physical exercise right now, it was either some great sex with you or the gym. No hard feelings!” and put on a smile, maybe softly touch her cheeks to show you just don’t care. Don’t explain too much! State what you are gonna do, and that’s it!

Another example, my wife and I cuddle in bed in the mornings pretty often. Sometimes I am horny. If she doesn’t get into it, I get up. This way, she doesn’t get what she wants (cuddling) if I don’t get what I want (sex).

I am not butthurt about it, I just proceed with my day as always. Be nice, and fun to be around. Because remember, I am outcome independent, while still being clear in what I want.

Obviously, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes we still cuddle. Remember, it needs to be natural.

It is also wise to initiate sex earlier in the day. When you’re both sitting on the couch, and the lame-ass TV show is already running, it comes off artificial if you suddenly jump up at 10:30 pm and drive off to the gym because she doesn’t want to have sex.

Also, be aware of the situation. If she’s on her period, right before an important phone call, or the kids are still awake, the timing is obviously off and a deny is pretty likely. Storming off to the gym at that point is just dumb. Don’t be stupid! Please. Be realistic.

Read The Ironwood collection of Alpha Moves by Ian Ironwood. It got some great moves for seducing your wife in marriage.

Create the environment for a blooming married sex-life

The feminine needs an environment to bloom properly. She is like a flower. If she needs to worry about a ton of stuff, then she can’t fully express herself. If she is free in herself, without worry, she can let herself go.

An example, a guy told me once that he managed to turn sex around greatly, but one evening while they were fucking, and his wife was really into it, suddenly their kid touched her feet. Because the mother moaned so much. Basically, the kid caught em mid-sex.

And since that occurrence, she was very hesitant at home. They did have sex, but she really didn’t let herself go that much. However, when they are in a parking lot, or on a field somewhere, she is really wet hot into it.

The moral of the story: environment. For us men, this isn’t an issue. For the woman, however, the environment is very important to really let her sexuality flow.

So ask yourself, especially with kids, is there an environment where she really can let herself go?

What always works great is showering together. Sit the kids in front of the TV for 15 minutes, go “showering” with your wife. Lock the bathroom door. And rail her from behind over the sink. Yes, she can’t moan that much, because the kids might hear it, but there is no fear of getting caught since the room is locked.

Other than that:

  • In the car
  • When the kids are out (enjoy the whole house!)
  • Let the kids sleep with your parents for an evening (add a great date before to it)
  • In the garden shed
  • Whatever, be creative!

Stage 5 – Upgrade yourself to improve your married sex-life

Handsome man in suit being pulled in by beautiful long haired woman

Upgrade your clothes. Your plans for setting your finances up properly should already bear fruits, if not, you were skipping steps, you cunt.

Start dressing up more. For work, for the gym, at home. Just look better. Top off your masculine frame with some proper masculine look. Rock a beard if it fits you, get a proper haircut for more than $10.

Learn about masculine fashion. What looks good and what doesn’t. Check out Tanner Guzy on Twitter and his teachings. See here for some needed products.

Also read my article about alpha male body language.

Only a foolish man does not realize how his appearance influences the world.

The conqueror

Beauty is power, and a beautiful man has it easier with women. You upgraded your physique, now it is time to upgrade your appearance. But this costs money. I hope you got your money in check already.

A rugged style can easily improve your married sex-life

Buy proper clothes that fit. You don’t need to wear a suit. You can look good, rugged. Or even functional.

There are different styles for any man. Some even look great with a fedora. Read into this stuff, check out from Tanner. Discover what styles for men there are, which look good, and choose one. Buy clothes in that style, and be a new man.

You will notice other women checking you out when you’re out. Either with your wife or not. This is called soft-dread.

She will realize (if she hasn’t already) that you’re a great man. Good-looking, grounded, confident. Other women are interested.

This does a) ground her in her belief that she chose wisely and b) gives her the incentive to “make sure” that you stay with her. And what do you think is the number one way a woman makes sure a man stays with her?

You should be acting like the captain of your ship and leading the relationship AND your wife. You should actively use seduction techniques to get your wife rolling. Read the Rational Male or my review here. (Do not read this book too early!)

Stage 6 – Pickup your wife

Beautiful young couple is having fun in kitchen at home.
If you can’t do that with your wife, you got some lifting to do.

This works literally, but I mean pickup artistry. At this stage, you will already pull interest from other women, probably even more than you thought.

Before you do anything stupid, practice your newfound knowledge about women and how to get them to spread their legs on your wife! She’s available without drawbacks. Practice on her. Seduce her.

At this point, you notice how important it is that you actually LIKE her. Because, if you don’t, the outside female attention is very tempting…

Don’t do anything stupid. Get used to female attention. This will help you stay chill. Especially when you initiate.

But at this point, it is time to internalize your manliness some more. Pick her up, push her against the wall. Lead her in everyday situations. Be a man!

You look like one now, so be one. Women like to be led, so lead her! Don’t be bothered by her token “No” when she declines. Push her against the wall, and make out heavily. Then go away and read a book. It will drive her crazy.

Learn how to seduce women. Learn about Game, for example with the post “How to turn a girl on” by my friend Jon Anthony from

Last notes

As I said, at stage 4-6 you should already be having a steaming hot married sex-life with your wife. That’s how it goes down most of the time.

And remember, the books I mention are MANDATORY readings. They contain essential info on how to lead yourself, your wife, and what women really crave. If you don’t know the basics, you can’t make it work.

This will take a lot of time and effort. I am not kidding. But dude, putting in work for a year is much better than living in a resentful, sexless marriage for 3 decades. EARN your sex, by being a great man.

–Alexander Graves

Track your progress

Remember, if you don’t put in these steps it won’t work.

So you need to be held accountable.

For this, I wrote the Own Your Shit, Make Her Submit eBook.

Inside, you will find methods and direct guidance on how to get your (sex-)life back on track. Don’t miss this great opportunity!

own your sht make her submit

Share this post

5-Minute CONQUEST.

Enter your Name and primary email below, and click the button to get my free UNSTUCK Your Life Notion Template and join the community of FAST Conquerors.

Except an email from alex[at]

About Alexander Graves

About Alexander Graves

Hey there! I'm Alexander Graves and I teach men how to live a life of happiness, abundance, and joy, without using weird techniques. Just by being your authentic self.