In this post I will use the example of sex because it’s the easiest to understand the concept.
A common issue in Long-term relationships is that most men go about initiating sex with their woman in an outcome dependent way. They desperately want it to happen, so the energy they bring into the initiation is loaded with emotions. If she does it, good. If she rejects you, you feel resentful.
So many red pill gurus, and also me in “Own Your Shit, Make Her Submit” tell you to be outcome independent when you initiate.
In other words, if her power-game is closing her legs and I tell you “It doesn’t matter if she does, be independent.” that seems like stupid advice. Much like “just be happy” or “just make more money.” But how to be outcome independent?
With this post I will explain how Outcome Independence works, and how to use it to get what you want.
The stoic idea of never worrying (being outcome independent)
Stoicism is Greco-Roman philosophy with the goal of accepting (obeying) brutal reality as the key to inner peace. The benefit is simple. It helps you to clear your mind and not be clogged with emotions the like of resentment or anger. Which not just clog your mind, but also potentially direct your actions in bad ways.
In other words, stoicism is a philosophy to maintain Frame, which is why the manosphere use Marcus Aurelius and all the other marble statues on their Twitter profiles. However, they miss a crucial part in this. More on that in a second…
Let’s say you’re a Stoic. By this philosophy, if you run into a problem, you ask yourself if it is outside your control, or within your control. If the problem is outside your control, you conclude that you can’t do nothing about it. Thus you don’t need to worry.
You cannot change it, you have no power or control. So why bother? There is absolutely no point in wasting mental or emotional energy on it because whatever you do, you will not change what’s going on, because, again, you have no control.
A simple example is that you don’t worry about being hit a meteor crashing onto Earth, right? Can it happen every second? Sure. But there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, so why bother? You don’t even think about it. You just proceed with your life.
However, if there is something under your control, you also don’t worry because you can manage the issue! You don’t worry about breathing because you have full control over it. You don’t worry about getting enough sleep at night, because you have full control over it.
Simple, right? Whenever a problem occurs, you ask yourself if it’s outside your control. If so, don’t waste emotional energy on it. If it is within your control, plan what you will do and take action on fixing the problem, but don’t worry more about it.
Anyone could have come up with this, right? So why are the old stoics so popular? And why is everyone getting it wrong?
The stoics, misunderstood
If you try to apply this to real-life you will quickly notice that life isn’t this black and white. There are problems that are not fully within your control, but also not fully out of your control. For example, increasing sex with your wife. Obviously, there are parts under your control (how you initiate, seduction, are you a high-value man), but regardless of how much effort you put in fixing this problem, she still keeps the power over what she does with her body.
This IS why the whole issue with sex going down in marriage is so much to worry about. You can’t really put it in “outside my control” but also not in “within my control.” It is partially yours, and you try best to take charge of your share of said problem, but then you get frustrated with the part that isn’t under your control, especially if regardless of all your efforts, still nothing happens.
You might end up overdoing your part (active dread, for example, threatening divorce etc out of resentment) which then backfires a lot, makes you needy and desperate, and thus unattractive. You waste a ton of energy, keep losing frame and perspective for your life.
For me, personally, this even went so far to focus on sexual subliminal programs to finally fix this issue instead of fixing on getting my finances fixed or even achieve higher consciousness. All because I just wanted to get my dick wet and didn’t see the big issue in this Stoic idea.
However, this is not the fault of Seneca and his great fellows. Because they realised there is a power to conquer all these problems. And that is what this post is about. A power NOBODY can steal from you. This is the power on how to be outcome independent, keep an Iron Frame, passing all shit tests, and getting sucked a whole lot (if that is what you need).
How to be outcome independent?
“Man is disturbed not by things, but by the views he takes of them.” – Epictetus
This trick is “redefining problems.” Other people might try to define problems for us, but you always need to reject that. It is giving away your power. In other words, other people might tell you what is your problem and what isn’t. But ultimately YOU have the power to decide this.
A simple example if the pronoun bs, feminism, etc. you see being rampant out there. These people will tell you that YOU need to adhere to their pronouns, otherwise they feel oppressed or offended. But, that is their problem. They try to shoehorn it into your issues, but if they get offended by what other people do, that is something they need to figure out. Simple, right?
So for your problem regarding sex (and everything else) you have to reframe the problem like this:
- Redefine <whatever problem> in a way that you do not depend on others or circumstances to solve it and/or obtain outcome independence.
In other words, you take 100% responsibility. Even for things that are not your fault. You Own Your Shit.
Something seems outside of your control, you make it yours to control.
Other people are not in your control, but if they control the issue, you slide into their frame. Instead, change your perception of the problem such that it is all under your influence. This IS outcome independence: You redefine the problem in a way that the other person has zero power over affecting its outcome.
In our concrete sexual example: the problem is not the wife closing her legs. The problem is how YOU defined the issue! You gave up all the power over to her because you think only she can control that. She is not in the mood, there is nothing you can do about it. So you become resentful because you’re powerless to have one of your deepest needs met.
The stoic will accept that he can’t control her and stops begging for sex. Instead, you redefine the problem that currently, you are not a man a woman wants to have sex with. Now, you have full control over the issue, can you see?
The plan to fix that then becomes: Decide you will work hard to become a man woman want to have sex with.
This is all 100% under your control, isn’t it?
By focusing on these things you don’t have to worry (read: use emotional and mental energy) about what she does or doesn’t do. I.e. worrying about things outside your control. But this reframe will also help you become happier because you focus on yourself, you have all the power (that feels great) and you will become a better man in the process.
The Stoics would advise men in LTRs: Become Outcome Independent by focusing on self improvement, which is all under your control. Don’t worry about your wife’s actions, she isn’t under your control.
This is technically a form of light dread. But look at how powerful it is, without being right on her nose (like threatening divorce if she doesn’t suck dick): there is nothing she can do to stop you from improving yourself and getting your shit together. You redefined the issue now so she has zero power over you or the outcome.
You reframed the problem and kept frame. This IS Outcome Independence and it yields a ton of power. And, it is massively attractive in and of itself. So this “solving” and redefining of life’s problems is already something that makes her wet. Nobody likes needy men, begging for shit. But everyone loves a man that is driven, improves his life on a daily basis, has a vision and goals and goes after them.
How outcome independence makes your relationship better
It also frees you from resentment because nobody else stands in the way of your goals anymore.
Granted, this doesn’t mean you’ll get your dick wet TODAY. But it doesn’t matter because you know the end-goal, the outcome is clear and exactly what you want.
You also become happier with HER because you stop resenting her for abusing her power over you. I noticed this myself a lot. As long as I gave the power over my happiness to her this way, I resented her for not giving me my fix. When I took charge of my own life and didn’t care if she would suck it or any other woman, I stopped feeling resentment and anger towards her because I realised it’s not her fault, it’s mine.
Independent of what she decides to do (sucking or divorcing), you get what you want and need.
You don’t demand desire in her, you become a desirable man.
This trick requires some balls. Because it means you take on the burden of performance. Everything is now your responsibility. And as you know, in this society, you’re not trained to do that. You’re trained to point fingers. Everyone does it if you look at how people operate. They even blame destiny for not having them born rich.
You can do that. Blame other people. But you should have realised by now that this doesn’t solve your issues.
But it’s easier. Uses less energy and you can stay in your comfortable pocket of bullshit and lying to yourself.
SELFCONQUERING takes big balls, but if you do it, and you take charge of everything wrong in your life, you will quickly see how everything can be changed simply by taking control. Remember, you are always the captain, even if you’re a drunk captain at the wheel, life unfolds depending on your leadership.
This is the ultimate way to demonstrate Frame: you are the only person that defines the problems in your life.
Overcoming all challenges in your life is your burden to hold. Not someone else’s. You stop blaming, you don’t beg. You put all energy in solving the issue with your personal power. Most people cannot do this, but if you can and do, you will become a leader of men. Others will sense and see the power you yield, simply by forcing yourself to be in control of your life and destiny. THAT is what attracts people and helps women to open their legs.
Don’t be the man who wants more sex from his wife, be the man woman want to have sex with.
More on these topics in my bestseller: Own Your Shit, Make Her Submit