You likely will not accept this at first, but you gain a lot of external validation from the thing between a woman’s legs. Specifically in the context of marriage. The wife for many men is the gatekeeper to sex, so she reigns with a heavy hammer of power by closing her legs.
This leaves you hunting that cave to get your fix. How to stop validation from sex as a Google Search Term only ever comes into your mind once you realised the mistake you’re making and/or you come from this post.
External Validation is a YUGE mistake. So huge that I created a whole course (free) around it which you can find here.
The baseline of this whole post is taken from this post on marriedredpill. Some passages are directly copied or I added my own thoughts and experiences to it. But it’s too vital to not share this knowledge.
Let us unravel WHY validation via sex is so bad and ruins your whole life and then how to solve that detrimental issue.
Why is validation through sex a bad thing?
Quick answer: You need other people to feel worthy. Which – obviously – is a bad thing, right?
Long answer: Your self-esteem and self-worth is based on external factors, specifically people, but not restricted to just those. External validation can also be posting your new leased car on Instagram to gain likes which makes you feel good about yourself.
The issue is that this makes you dependent on how other people act. Which means, to get your feeling of self-worth you manipulate and control other people. And nobody likes that.
You likely do a lot of this unconsciously, which is what the classic Nice Guy does when he engages in covert contracts.
A classic example, “If I buy my wife flowers, I want her to suck me off this evening.”
However, you never voice the latter part of that sentence to her. You just buy the flowers and expect something in return, without the other person knowing it. That is a covert contract. You do that because you still want the desire to be somewhat “genuine” on her part, without realising how you virtually manipulate her with gifts.
And the worst thing, if she then doesn’t do it, which is likely because she had no idea of any expectations placed on her, you become resentful. Because she didn’t do what you wanted.
The underlying issue is that this external placement of value on others also means they – indirectly – control your emotions. You give away A LOT of personal power to other people that way.
If you are externally validated through sex, you:
- manipulate the person you love emotionally and physically
- you build a lot of resentment towards that person which will eventually lash out
- you never get what you want anyway because this method just DOES NOT WORK
- you give away a ton of personal power over your emotions and even your life
- YOU can be easily controlled if, for example, you have a succubus at home. But even if she is a decent girl, she will quickly learn of her power and use to to control YOU
- you become dependent on other people, specifically your woman and there is nothing more unsexy for a woman
These are obvious, but there are hidden forms of validation you might not be aware of.
Hidden forms of sexual validation
Many of them I didn’t realise myself until I read about them.
Some things were given to us by society (like the good lover validation), other things came over time in your marriage. Either way, it is important to know about these external validations to quit doing them.
You take every word or action regarding sex from your wife as a profound judgment of your personal worth.
- If she rejects you, you feel worthless, not attractive enough, or not enough of a “man.”
- Depending on how hot she is you might put her on a pedestal because you “scored” her, here is a story of a man doing exactly that
- If she doesn’t want sex all the time, you see it as a sign of her not loving you (like you love her, for example)
- You might have self-esteem issues from childhood/teenager times as a “nerd” or the “outcast,” but definitely not “chad.” So you seek validation to being a man through sex from your wife
You orbit her for sex all the time as an affirmation of your self-worth rather than trying to initiate sex with authentic desire as a man who wants his woman.
This is toxic to your sexual relationship for 4 reasons (copied from MRP):
- Your neediness for validation and lack of self-confidence is unattractive.
- Your wife senses the lack of authentic desire to be responsive to, and loses her own validation and motivation for sex.
- The need of you for signs of attraction and desire from her makes sex tiresome emotional labor for her, in which she has to regulate or fake her emotions and response to validate you. This makes sex unappealing, inauthentic, effortful, and emotionally risky for her should her act fail to provide the validation comfort you seek.
- Both you and her are incentivized to stick to an unchanging, comfortable sexual script: you to be assured of getting the validation you need, and she to avoid the danger of misreading a new situation and failing at her emotional labor of providing the signs you need to feel attractive.
Basically, sex becomes a chore and it’s your fucking fault. Yes.
The third point is exactly what I did to my wife many times. I wanted her to dress in certain ways (lingerie), moan, do specific things, positions, whatever. And when she didn’t do what I liked, I was unsatisfied and she felt that. This put enormous pressure on her sexually, which made her not want to do it.
Simply because of fear of failure and because she can’t really enjoy the act if it’s one more thing she has to take care of in a day.
This also kills exactly what I wanted. I wanted variety in bed. But she was hesitant to change up anything and only went for the things she knew worked, because this would produce the desired result SHE THOUGHT because of my actions.
Diagnostic: If your perception and enjoyment of a sexual encounter depends on what you imagine your wife is thinking, you have a validation problem. Stay out of your wife’s head!
The good or giving lover validation
This one is mostly given from society and a mistake many men make: listening to a woman.
Ok I am kidding with the last one. But you all know the drill. In virtually all pop culture movies, the men always last forever and give blistering orgasms to the women. Real-life women talk a lot about how he “came so quickly” the first time almost as an ego boost for them (which it is), and then there’s porn, where the guys have HUGE schlongs (check this video out, SFW), batter the girls pussy for 30 minutes straight and then shoot huge loads.
Naturally, men have this impression they need to be absolute supermen in bed to satisfy their wives. The issue is, it’s not REALLY about her. It’s for your own self-esteem of how good of a fucker you are.
How many orgasms she has, or how crazy they are becomes a metric for your confidence.
I insisted many times on making her cum, even just by fingering after sex, because I felt the need to make her cum even if she didn’t want to. This leads to bad sex for her where she either has to fake an orgasm or do something she doesn’t want to.
We men don’t understand this that much, but women don’t necessarily need an orgasm every time. Or even want it. Societal indoctrination/porn tells you differently.
I also liked this passage from the post on MRP:
It also objectifies the wife as a female orgasming machine that the husband “plays” like a video game to induce orgasm and thereby win his validation, making their sex impersonal rather than intimate.marriedredpill subreddit
The more she orgasms then, the less she actually enjoys it. Weird, right?
If she wants it, by all means, go for it. But don’t try to force it onto her or even FOCUS so hard on making her cum. Part of being a masculine man is that you take care of your own needs. Actually, part of any healthy person is taking care of their own needs. If she wants you to make her cum, she will tell you. Directly or indirectly. Don’t make it your goal just to validate your porn-style-skills.
Special sex act / submission validation
One of my catchphrases is, “Anal sex is a sign of insecurity.”
Which is funny because I like doing it also. But for most men they only want the act as a symbolic statement of “getting her to do it with you” rather than a) spicing up the sex-life, or b) just enjoying a different physical sensation than usual.
Quoting MRP again:
- “If she really loved me she’d allow me anal sex.”
- “I’d be OK without anal if she had refused all previous boyfriends, but she let her boyfriend Chad fuck her ass, so as her husband I should get it, too.”
In short, you try to be validated by her submission to your specific sex acts, or you try to be validated by her submission in general because she just does what you want.
Yes, dominant and submissive is the natural dynamic between the both genders, but there is a difference between just enjoying this dynamic and enforcing it because it makes you feel more like a man. You already need to feel like a man before a woman submits to you. Not vice versa. Otherwise, your dominance is dependent on her submission. Which is weak and crumbles easily.
Many men try to spice things up this way, which is fine and well. But this could come from a deeper masculine drive to do so and not because you saw it in porn or because your buddy told you he puts it up his girlfriends pooper all the time (which actually happened to me in the past, a friend of mine kept bragging about that, which deep down, sounded weird to me. Now I know he was seeking validation from her and me for his fragile masculinity).
Respectful good guy validation / Nice Guy covert contract
Basically, Disney told you to be polite and chivalrous with women and that they’re all Disney Princesses who would never do such dirty things in bed or in general. The end result is that most men, specifically Nice Guy’s that sucked up this lie from society (my older self included) talk about everything in great detail with their wives, but not their sex-life. Or their own fantasies and things they want to try.
Out of shame and out of fear of torpedoing their current sex-life by bringing up these things. If this resonates with you, understand the following:
- Being that kind of a good guy is faked validation. It might feel good for a second, but neither you nor her will be satisfied.
- Women have CRAZY fantasies, read Nancy Friday’s “My Secret Garden” which is a collection of sexual fantasies women reported anonymously. Ranging from very common (yes, indeed) rape fantasies to unmentionable stuff. This book alone will shatter your Nice-Guy Disney beliefs about women and sex. (Note: There is a bit of feminism and “men not doing enough” in there. Ignore most of that and focus on the very vivid fantasies just to realise women are JUST as sexual as we are.
- Dirty Talk is super powerful as I mentioned in the Sex God Method Summary. A Nice Guy would never do that.
Egalitarian validation / Reciprocity covert contract
This is the idea of “what you give is what you get.” Which generally is true, but in this case, taken too literally.
- I eat her pussy, so she should give me blowjobs.
- If I eat her out now, I will get a blowjob next time.
- If we do her favourite position now, I’ll get mine next time.
- Each of us should initiate half of the time.
You are making sex transactional. And I am very guilty of this. I was literally thinking it has to be a give and take, otherwise it is off. Specifically about me taking from her. I almost felt guilty for getting blown, because I thought I HAVE to reciprocate it next time, otherwise she will be mad. Which is a personal insecurity and fear of her. I then got my validation by having it equal 50/50.
Can you see how this is a very hidden form of validation?
Well put by MRP again:
Hypocrisy is common here, as the “fair” Nice Guy generally only “gives” in ways that he sexually enjoys, and then expects a second reward for his “sacrifice”.marriedredpill subreddit
This one is a personal one.
My love language is physical touch and sex. Might be the case for many men outside of “words of appreciation.”
So a hidden form of validation for me literally was to get more physical touch from her, otherwise I would not feel deeply loved by her. However, this is also a covert contract and a need for validation.
It wasn’t about feeling loved, it was about the validation from KNOWING that she loves me.
A similar thing is when you desperately want her to say “I love you” more than you do it. You are either controlling, manipulating to stay in the so-called golden ratio of 2/3, or you need it as validation to feel worthy of love. Which probably has deep roots in your childhood.
Definitely check out this post on MRP, where he talks a lot about intimacy in sex and how it is the opposite of validation.
How to know if you need sex for validation
The following scenario may help you identify hidden needs for validation or covert contracts that are limiting your sex life:
You come to bed after a long day, shortly after your wife. You find yourself incredibly horny, so you initiate sex. Your wife says “Honey, I had a long and difficult day, and I’m totally exhausted. I don’t want an orgasm, I’m not up for giving you a blowjob or handjob or riding you or even moving … but I would enjoy just lying here passively and letting you take your pleasure with my body.”
Could you embrace her offer, or would you refuse because
- “receptive starfish” sex doesn’t validate you? [Attraction validation]
- her refusal to perform a blowjob or other acts of obedience or submission doesn’t validate your ego? [Special sex act / submission validation]
- not giving her pleasure fails to validate your sexual prowess? [Good lover validation]
- you’re profoundly uncomfortable focusing on your own pleasure rather than hers? [Giving lover, or egalitarian validation]
- you’re unable to believe her statement that she wants you to? [Attraction validation]
- you’re too uncomfortable with your own sexuality to express or expose it without the cover of pleasuring her? [Respectful validation]
Would you “accept” her offer like a Nice Guy but
- then push for more from her during the action to try to get your validation or fulfill your covert contract?
- not fully enjoy it because of butthurt about not getting validated?
- not fully enjoy it because you worried about what she was thinking or feeling?
- not do what you really desired for fear of what she might think?
Could you [overcome your need for Egalitarian validation and] fully embrace and fully enjoy her offer, by
- turning on the lights and uninhibitedly telling her every dirty thought, feeling, and desire [Overcome need for Respectful validation] as you stare at her naked tits, stroke her hair and skin, slowly insert yourself inside her, and focus on having the perfect orgasm? [Overcome need for Good or Giving Lover validation]
- eating her pussy entirely for your own pleasure without making her cum [Overcome need for Good or Giving Lover validation], while telling her how she tastes and feels? [Overcome need for Respectful validation]
- climbing right on and pounding away, if that’s what you really desire at that moment? [Overcome need for Good or Giving Lover validation]
You’re not fully comfortable with your own sexuality or with hers, or you’re hung up by validation needs or covert contracts, if you couldn’t.
Personal Note by Alexander:
I sometimes just pounded away, partly due to not being completely free in myself and just wanted to get to the end, and other reasons. However, every time after it I felt bad for “not being a good lover.” So these validation thoughts can also come way later after sex. And your woman WILL pick up what you feel there subconsciously.
So you need to overcome this on a base level. A subconscious level.
A great too to upgrade your subconscious mind is Subliminal Messaging. The specific sub that helped me with ALL of the above is “PRIMAL.” This sub will bring you back to your true, primal, masculine nature. You will feel SO COMFORTABLE in your manly skin, you really don’t care about any validation.
How to stop validation from sex
Phew. Quite a lot of groundwork before we actually get to the meat. Literally.
Just took almost 3000 words to help you understand where you fuck up all the time. So now it is time to solve this issue.
I already mentioned the PRIMAL Subliminal Messaging program, and I’ll do it here again because it’s the easiest and simplest method. Just listen to a fucking MP3 File. How much easier can it get? The power of Technology.
Each of the following stages will take about a month to go through. It’s – funnily enough – similar to quitting porn (which is a big part of it. I get to it in a second.)
Stage 1 – Recognizing the Problem
This is virtually the first part of this very blog post.
Read it again. Then again a few days later. Then again a few weeks in. Every time you will recognise a new form of validation you actually use and do.
And then you will realise you probably NEVER fucked your wife/woman for anything else than personal validation.
You have absolutely no idea what genuine sexual desire is, because you always did it for validation. This, however, will likely intrigue you to find out what genuine sexual desire actually IS. This will help you to stay on that path.
Also, ask yourself, when was the last time you TRULY FUCKED your woman? <- click this, 100%. Eye-opening.
Your dick will literally be confused, especially if you also stop porn along the way (here’s why you should, and here’s how to do it, also PRIMAL again (lol) helped me cut this out REAL quick because it makes you a man who fucks women. Not hands.)
The result of this will be low-fucking libido, which is the next stage, and realise that porn was also a big reason for your external validation method of sex.
Stage 2 – Low libido, repeating mistakes. The GRIND.
You will go through a period of extremely low libido. Simply because you don’t want or even CAN’T do it anymore just for the validation. Sadly, your dick and your mind have no idea how to do it for any other reason.
Your brain begins to rewire itself. Your dopamine receptors heal, etc. The only way for sex is now genuine sexual, masculine desire. But you’re hopeless on how this looks like.
You will likely be depressed. Low libido has this effect, as well as low-testosterone. This is normal. Don’t be discouraged. Respect the grind and power through it. Paradise is on the other side.
You will also be fucking annoyed, short-tempered, and irascible towards your woman. You don’t even want to talk to her. There is lingering resentment in that towards the things she did, you not knowing all of this earlier, and the many years of genuine sex you missed.
Now that you have zero drive to fuck this woman, you also don’t give a damn about her feelings. This will likely end up in failing comfort tests, and she will withdraw emotionally because of it. A stalemate. Again, power through it until you feel genuine sexual desire. If you feel like cave manning here. Read this post again to understand that.
You might also slip back into old validation patterns just to have sex again and keep the relationship alive. If you do so, you start back at the beginning of this stage. See it as a game.
Stage 3 – Progress. You start to see and feel genuine sexual desire
Genuine desire to fuck a woman for the right reasons begins to grow within you.marriedredpill subreddit
It starts in smaller ways. Like staring a little longer at her cleavage and not caring if you get caught. Maybe even doing it intentionally. Fantasies start to surface. Your imagination wanders. YOU come up with sexual scenarios, instead of re-enacting ones you saw in porn.
You fantasise of just walking up to her, furiously making out, pulling her pants half down, bending her over the table, and just fucking her without any care for her pleasure or if you’re a good lover. Just, raw, brutal, masculine sexuality for these 3 minutes. (And trust me, she would love that every now and then).
This imagination is your masculine gift you can now freely give to your woman. By pulling her into your sexual frame. By just TAKING her.
This is also where the natural masculine variety comes in as mentioned in the Sex God Method. Your mind has unlimited ideas to spice sex up. You don’t need to cook anything up. A man’s mind has ALL the ideas necessary.
And when you are boiling over with a desire to FUCK her, imagine how that makes her feel. The emotional rollercoaster coming from this. On that side, there’s everything you want and need.
Final Stage – You’re a man that fucks
She will likely test that genuine desire. If you truly just DEEPLY want to rail her, you two will have the best sex ever. If it’s for validation, she’ll decline. Yes, women sense this. Even if they don’t know what they’re doing.
I couldn’t say it any better:
But what I’ve observed here at MRP and in my own journey is that when I discovered my genuine desire the likelihood that I would be rejected while leaning into this uncomfortable desire (at first) was extremely low. And when I was rejected I had zero butthurt… because I am a man who fucks and she gets the first shot.marriedredpill subreddit
Again, most of the second part was taken from this post on MRP.
Definitely check out this sub, there is a lot to learn!
Once you arrive down here, you are a man who fucks, and you will finally have the sex-life you always desired. Driven by your own masculine force. Your masculine imagination. Without any need for validation. Just, raw, pure, desire.