There is a lot of talk about confidence. How to gain it, what it really is, and quite frankly in this weak-ass society we talk about, if you even need it? What a stupid question. But anyway, there are differences between self-love, self-respect, and confidence. So let’s tackle that first.
Differences in confidence
Self-love and self-respect are pretty similar, but not quite. The differences are pretty nuanced and don’t really matter most of the time if you get the basic concept. That said, it still makes for a more complete person if you know the difference. Self-love is pretty much accepting who you are now, but not accepting this as your final state. I go into great detail about this in this post right here.
Self-respect is that you have enough respect for yourself as a person that you won’t keep the bad habits. Similar, right? Well, you can love yourself, but not respect yourself. A psychopath, for example, might love his destructive nature, but he doesn’t respect himself, because he knows it is bad for his body / social circle / etc. So as I said, that distinction is pretty minimal.
Confidence, however, is built. Some say you have a certain internal or natural confidence, but I don’t believe that. You might have an act of confidence or even a perception of your confidence, but it’s imaginary. True confidence is only built over time. Through experience and achievements.
The three pillars of true confidence
It’s difficult to summarize a complex human pattern like confidence into small parts, and maybe I am missing something here, but I believe that it comes down to three important pillars. Bear in mind though, these are for men! A woman’s confidence is built differently!
I’ve gone over this topic on this blog a lot. Struggle is important for a man’s life, as weird as that may sound. And it also very often gets confused.
This blogs’ slogan is Hardship is the key to your soul. And I mean that literally. If you truly want to know who you are, what you are made of, who that man reading this really is, you need to have your grit tested. Only through some real struggles, you will realize what you are capable of. And on top of that, you build parts of your confidence.
A true man is not afraid of life, for he has been tested already.The conqueror
Life throws struggles at you at any given time. Any moment some shit can hit the fan. You never know. But if you’re confident, you are fine with that. Because you’ve already been through some shit. You know you’ll be able to handle it because it isn’t the first time. It’s like sex. The first time, you’re very nervous, you don’t know what’s going down, how you will handle it, if you will be good at it.
But after the 50th time, you’ve built experience and thus confidence in your skills to plow through it properly. That gives yourself a peace of mind. A certain masculine calmness which is very attractive not just to women, but people in general.
And now apply that back to any non-sexual context. If you’ve been through these things, nothing can phase you. You radiate that calmness because you aren’t afraid of some shit coming your way. You move through life at ease.
The only way, literally the only way to gain that calmness and ease is through experience. As in, you actually have been through shit. There is no other way. You can fake your calmness and confidence, but it will show eventually. Especially if you truly have to get through struggle in the future, that’s when your true grit (or lack thereof) shows.
That’s also why women tend to go for older men. The probability of him knowing how the world works, and having experienced it is much higher.
If life gets too easy, a man loses his grit. He must seek challenges on his own.The conqueror
And in this current society, we aren’t really experienced in any way. Being level 80 in World of Warcraft doesn’t count. Real-life struggles are way different. This is also why there are so many loser kids out there. Back in the days, you had to fight your way up in the social order. Boys are just like that. They fight each other, they throw hands at each other, it’s what makes you realize some mistakes, or that you’re stronger than you think you are, etc.
As a young boy, I always avoided any fight. I would run away or say whatever they wanted to hear, to not get hit. Thinking back, it would’ve been way better to come home with a bloody nose occasionally. But mom and all the female teachers would tell you, “You’re such a good boy, you never get into fights.”
Well, wrong. This just shows I’ve never been tested.
The need to get punched
Now being punched in the face is thrown around on Twitter quite a lot. It’s important to grow up and I do agree. It is a physical struggle if you will. It teaches you not only, that you won’t die, and it probably doesn’t even hurt that much, but also that everything has consequences, that you can’t run away from your problems and a bunch of other important life-lessons.
So if you were like me, and you’ve never been punched as a kid, do it voluntarily. I don’t mean start a fight at a bar. Go to a martial arts club. Learn a fighting skill. Get used to it!
And then apply this to other things more metaphorically. Go out of your comfort zone! Voluntarily get yourself into socially awkward situations. Talk to strangers. Approach women. Ask for the pay-raise. Struggle with your social anxiety! It will harden your shields. You will get better at it, and you will build the calmness through struggle once you’ve been tested enough.
Silence is pretty quick and easy to explain. Because it is meant quite literally. Just shut the fuck up. With your wife, girlfriend, in a group of friends, co-workers. Just talk less. Why? The reason is twofold.
First, you actually listen. Most people listen to reply, instead of listening to understand. If you blurt out anything right away, I know you were just waiting for your turn to talk. You didn’t really listen or care what the other person said. This might mean, that you don’t get to talk at all, because everyone is busy talking. Relax, let them talk. At some point they’ll probably ask you why you are so quiet. “I listened.” And now you have the focus on you.
The biggest power a man can possess lies in total silence.The conqueror
Second, it is power. When people throw words at you, and you don’t respond at all, it makes them feel uncomfortable. They don’t know what they’re up to. They desperately want to know what you’re thinking. But you shut your trap. You have the control. It radiates calmness, just like being through struggle. You are fine with not talking all the time. You don’t need to impress anyone with your thoughts. It means, you are fine with yourself. And that is radiating confidence.
I keep saying to guys, when you are in a shit-test, just STFU. And if you answer, let her words fly through the room a few seconds, before you answer. It demonstrates that you are in control of the situation.
On top of that, it gives you time to properly think about an answer. Don’t just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Think about your words!
A case for introverts
Introverts get scolded a lot in this society. It is good and brave to talk all the time we’re told. I disagree. More people should only talk if they truly thought about what they’re saying, and they’re actually qualified to talk about a topic.
Once you apply the two points from above, you might come over as an introvert. If you are already that kind of person, it’ll be easy for you. If you like to talk a lot, this will be tough. But you should ask yourself if this is really an important discussion you’re having.
Now, obviously, you don’t need to talk about the meaning of life all the time, and shooting the breeze is fine. And especially with women, talking about philosophy won’t get you in their pants. So these aren’t 100% solutions. Just apply them to your circumstances. Just observe yourself, how you interact with people. Do you talk to much all the time? Can you just STFU in the current conversation and just listen to people?
This is probably the most difficult concept to grasp and implement, albeit being so easily explained. A man’s character is displayed in his actions. And solely through actions. You can mouth any words you want, but what you do determines who you are. And your character sets the boundaries for your actions.
What does that mean?
A true man has his values. They are chiseled into his soul. Nobody shall move them but himself.The conqueror
A man of character has values. He sets them himself. Anything you believe in, forms your character and your beliefs. You see the world through your eyes, and you act upon it. You listen to other people’s opinions and advices, but if they don’t align with your values, you discard them and do your thing. Your life revolves around your character. It determines who you are.
A man who lacks character is a people-pleaser. Someone who does anything other people cast upon him. He tries to be the good guy at any given moment since he is afraid of conflict and/or displeasing others. But this just means you are a pushover. And there is nothing great about that.
A man of character isn’t an asshole. He listens, but ultimately he goes his own way. Other people can follow if they want, but it doesn’t bother him if they don’t. And this builds true confidence quite heavily. Because it tells people that you are comfortable with yourself, and confident in your believes and actions. It makes you a leader other people can follow. You don’t care if they do or don’t. It is your life.
The lion does not care if his sheep follow him. They decide to do so. A great leader does not have to force a following.The conqueror
How to build character
Much like confidence itself, your character needs to be built. You need to set yourself limits and boundaries. As well as you need to enforce them for others. If someone is rude towards you or dragging you down, you tell them, and if they still don’t behave you kick them out of your life.
For example my uncle is a very negative person, who picks up a different political stance every week, whatever is currently trendy. There is no streamline to his character, or even his actions. He shittalks a lot of people without knowing them. So, I kicked him out of my life. I don’t like such negative people where I can’t tell what they actually believe in. So he needed to go.
That is my character. A positive (but realistic) person trying to better society. Of course, viewpoints might change, and that is fine, but not every week. So I stuck to my boundaries there and realized he doesn’t fit in.
A wise man is well aware of people that drag him into the abyss. For he needs to cut ties with them so his soul can fly.The conqueror
You might not know what you truly believe in, or where your boundaries should be. It’s fine, this takes time. Now that you are aware of it, you will notice the breaches of your boundaries quicker and more obvious. Enforce them or kick these people. They will respect you for that. And more often then not it makes them stick around more (very important with women).
And through these actions of enforcing your boundaries and values, you will build your character. Internally as well as externally. And this will display great confidence to anyone.
Confidence with women
Did you notice how I almost didn’t talk about women at all? I know you all want to be more confident to attract girls, and I get it. But this is a wrong mindset. Confidence comes from within. You need to be in tune with yourself. You need the three pillars set up for yourself, ONLY then will you be truly confident. And women will come on their own.
If you try to change your behavior and yourself to attract women you already failed. I know this works for pickup-artists and all that, but in any LTR this will fall short pretty quickly. Do these things for yourself, because you want to be a better man, and not because women want you to.
Still struggling with one of the pillars? Having plans to implement it? Let me know in the comments!
Struggle, silence, and character in one go
You can set the three pillars up accelerated within 90 days. Do the 90 days self-project and discover who you truly are. This shit is hard! It will be a fight, but the outcome is way worth it! Fight yourself and find yourself.