Good morning, friends! Today, I’m opening up about something deeply personal. I’ve realized something recently — something that’s been hard to face, but necessary for my growth: for at least the last five to seven years of my marriage, especially in the last one to two years, I’ve been a sinner. I’ve been narcissistic, gaslighting, and treating my wife poorly. And, truthfully, I didn’t even recognize it until recently.
As someone who only came back to Christ just half a year ago, this realization has been both painful and pivotal. I’m a born-again Christian, and since committing to Christ, I’ve been reading the Bible daily, working through my flaws, and addressing the parts of me that need healing. This journey isn’t just for you — it’s for me too. That’s part of the reason I started this channel: to help myself heal while helping others do the same.
I now understand that I was the monster in the relationship, even though my wife has her own struggles. Recognizing my own sin is an essential step toward healing, but it’s also incredibly humbling. So, how do you move forward when you realize you’ve been the person causing harm?
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Recognizing the Sin is the First Step
The Bible talks about repentance and confession. I used to think I had it all figured out, especially after turning to Christ. But with this spiritual ego came a refusal to acknowledge my toxic behaviors. Narcissism, gaslighting, and treating others poorly became normal for me, and I didn’t even see it.
But once you recognize this, the first thing you need to do is confess it. As 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Acknowledging what I had done to hurt others is crucial. This isn’t just about recognizing that you were wrong; it’s also about confessing it to God and truly repenting.
Repentance Brings Healing
Repentance isn’t just about saying sorry — it’s about turning your life around. Acts 3:19 says, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” Repentance leads to refreshment — a release of the burden you’ve carried. But you must trust that God will take care of it. Through His grace, we are forgiven and transformed.
When you realize you’ve wronged someone, and you truly want to make amends, it’s not enough to simply say “I’m sorry.” You need to show them through your actions that you understand how you hurt them, and that you are committed to change. This is something I’m learning every day. Small actions, daily demonstrations of regret, and genuine care for the other person’s pain — these speak volumes.
Change Requires Discipline and Reflection
In Romans 12:2, we are reminded not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Once you realize what you’ve done wrong, it’s essential to start looking at your behavior, not just in relationships but in life. In my case, this meant researching narcissism, reading blogs, and understanding why I acted the way I did. For me, it stemmed from childhood trauma — a need for love and approval that I sought in unhealthy ways.
To avoid falling back into old patterns, it’s crucial to understand where they come from. Childhood trauma often plays a major role in shaping our behaviors. It might not even be intentional from our parents, but the emotional scars can deeply affect how we treat others. In order to truly heal, we must identify these root causes.
Forgiveness and Apologizing
While it’s clear that forgiveness is a central theme in the Bible, it’s also necessary to apologize to those we’ve wronged. A simple apology isn’t enough; we must show genuine remorse and a commitment to change. Proverbs 19:20 says, “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end, you will be counted among the wise.” It’s in this discipline that we find our path to healing. We must listen to the wisdom of others and accept the discipline necessary to transform our hearts.
The Power of Prayer and Seeking Guidance
As we seek forgiveness and work to change our behaviors, prayer plays a key role. It’s through prayer that we ask God for guidance, strength, and wisdom to confront our past and let go of the toxic patterns we’ve carried for so long. And let’s not forget that healing requires us to do the hard work of digging into our past, confronting painful memories, and learning to process them in a healthy way.
If you’re struggling with narcissistic tendencies, it’s vital to take action. That might mean seeking counseling, talking with trusted friends, or simply taking time to reflect on the moments that caused pain and understanding the trauma behind them.
Healing Isn’t Instant
Healing doesn’t happen overnight. As I’ve learned, it’s not about wiping the slate clean and expecting everything to be perfect. You can’t run away from the past — you need to address it head-on. Until you heal from the past, you will continue to bleed that pain onto others. And that’s something I don’t want to do anymore.
Remember, this is a journey, and it’s one that requires humility, honesty, and a willingness to change. For me, this is just the beginning, and I’m thankful to be walking this path with Christ by my side.
I hope this post has resonated with you and encouraged you to take the steps needed for your own healing. No matter where you are on your journey, remember that God is always with you, ready to forgive and renew your heart.
I’ll see you in the next post.
