Why does my wife not want to have sex with me?

A lot of men ask this question. You’re married for a few years, kids are at an “annoying” age, the job is shit, and speaking of shit, the dog keeps doing that on the floor all the time.
You just want to relax with your wife, and you have needs as a man, but she is never in the mood, has headaches and all of that.

And then you go online and search, “why does my wife not want to have sex with me?”
I’ve been there. The emphasis is on “been.” Because I know how to turn this around, and I am gonna teach you.

“Women just lose their sex drive and sex naturally goes down in marriage” is all loser-speak of people who have no idea what women really want in bed.
Especially women don’t know. Or rather, they do know, but they could never tell you.

Youtube Version of this post:

Your misconception about women

The majority of women want to be submissive.

And as always with this topic, I need to make the language clear. There is a difference between a dominant man and a domineering man.

A woman embracing her deepest feminine self desires nothing more than submitting herself to a worthy man.

The conqueror

Let’s run some numbers from this study, where they asked over 1,500 people about their sex fantasies:

  • 65% of women reported fantasies about sexual submission
  • 52% said that bondage gets them going
  • 36% like fancy spanking
  • 28% fantasize about being forced to have sex

Important note: About half of these women claim, that those are solely fantasies and that they would never want to act them out.

Beautiful cute woman in lingerie
Even the cute looking sweet summerchild likes to be bent over the table and ravished.

Bear in mind though, this was obviously a clinical study. It’s hard to tell some doctor with a straight face, that you like to be tied up and spanked. Also, there are a lot of social stigmas around sex for women.

This is why women don’t openly talk about this, because they’ll be labeled as a slut.

Naturally, they would never publicly admit that they like to be pinned down and fucked hard. But they do. Because it’s nature.

Also, due to the fact of the study environment and a study about private stuff like sexual fantasies in general, you can be sure that the hidden numbers are actually higher. I would argue a safe 85% of all women like to be sexually submissive.

godlike masculinity subliminal program banner

Or rather, they would like to be. And the other 15% just don’t know yet.

“My wife isn’t like that”

Sensual elegant woman brunette with long hair in bed
All women like to be sexually submissive. You just need to be the kind of man who gets it out of her.

I can already see you formulating this bullshit into existence.

You see her as that insufferable cunt which is unable to be feminine, or even cute and bubbly like you would like it.

But that’s because due to the fact that you became less and less masculine, she became less and less feminine.

When you first started dating, was she like she is now? Or was she feminine, sexy, and a great girl?

You think that just vanished?

Let me make this clear for you: EVERY WOMAN likes to be fucked properly. They may not know it, and they would never voice it. But they like to be taken by a proper man.

So, your thoughts shouldn’t be “my wife doesn’t want me sexually (anymore),” it should be, “What did I do that she changed so much?”

“How is that my fault? She doesn’t want to put out!”

Well, my friend. Your wife – or any woman you’re with – is a mirror of you.

She becomes what you are.

If you are a lazy, fat, beer-drinking slob, your wife will become an unfeminine, insufferable cunt.

If you are hitting the gym consistently, are confident in yourself, lead yourself, and other people, she will follow suit.

And if you fuck her properly, she will want to have sex. And more sex. And harder sex.

Women are followers. Naturally. They are designed to follow a great man because they can’t lead themselves. Since they are so emotional in nature, they need a strong force to guide them.

You probably were that guy when you first met, because you had your own life. She could be part of it.

But then you made her your life, dropped all your stuff for her pussy, and stopped taking care of yourself.

Deep down you know it is true, but decades of social conditioning told you otherwise. You need to be nice and caring and all that. No, that makes you WEAK. And a weak man can never protect a woman.

That is what they seek. Protection.

So since you stopped being a proper man, she stopped being a proper woman.

“Why does my wife never initiate sex?”

This usually comes with a barrage of other questions:

  • Is she not sexually interested anymore?
  • Is she cheating?
  • I am still hot for her, where is her desire?

It is all rooted in fear.

Fear of rejection.

See, initiating sex is a man’s job. You want sex? You go after it. That’s how we operate.

But you’re afraid of being rejected.

Because you base your entire self-worth around sex with your wife. Or any woman.

You feel more like a man when you get some sex. You even accept mediocre, starfish sex for this. Because at least you got laid, right? This is a mistake. A dreadful one.

Even at my stage, where my wife WANTS more sex than I do, it is still ON ME to initiate sex.

Sure, she might come into the room in lingerie occasionally. But most of the time, I need to pick up her hints and initiate. It just is what it is.

MEN initiate sex. Period.

When you’re “forcing” your woman to initiate all the time, she needs to become more masculine to do that.

Why you fear the rejection of sex

Most men think their wife is the gatekeeper to sex. She has the power over when and how you have sex.

And sex is really just your body trying to reproduce.

So, technically, she is acting as NATURE itself in that case. Because she decides if your genetic material gets to be furthered into history or not. Through denying or accepting sex.


So it’s not just your wife rejecting you, NATURE rejects your very being.

That’s why it feels so bad (plus your misguided self-worth).

This is a fallacy. YOU DECIDE who you have sex with. You CHOOSE the genetic material YOU want to breed with. This is a man’s calling.

That IS why we initiate sex. We CHOOSE. Not the woman. WE DO.

Shift your perception on this and you will realize quickly.

“Why does my wife not want to have sex with me?” is the wrong question

What the success of 50 shades of grey should’ve actually taught men, is that women want stronger men. A conqueror. Especially in sex. But they can’t tell you. Obviously.

Don’t try to be someone you’re not. You can only be authentic if you are yourself.

Even if women wouldn’t solely operate on signals and hints, how would she possibly tell you to take what you want as a man? If she tells you, you don’t act on your own, you’re just pleasing her. This makes her the dominant one.

Imagine she tells you she wants to be taken and pinned down when having sex. If you do it then the next time, you did it because she said so. That makes HER the dominant one.

She literally has no way of telling you this directly.

This has to come from you! She wants a man who goes after what he wants. Hence why she can’t tell you. Which in turn means, she isn’t sexually satisfied, which also drives down the desire.

A woman does not ask to be taken. It is on the warrior to take what he wants.

The conqueror

Poor girls, truly a vicious cycle. But before you go out and facefuck the shit out of your girlfriend, there are a few notes.

How to create your personal slut?

Sexy woman in white lingerie stockings undressing for her man

You may have heard of the phrase, “A woman wants to be objectified by the right man.”

Which just means she likes being a slut, and a whore, but only to the one proper man. A masculine, dominant man.

Like if you see a girl in a short dress, that gets ogled a lot. She would be annoyed to be checked out by the creepy, weird guy, whereas she almost drops pants if the hot dude checks her out. (This is an example, different women display this behavior differently)

And it’s the same with being submissive while having sex. Why would she want to be sexually submissive to the porn-addicted, video game playing loser who doesn’t get shit done?

It’s like Thor’s Hammer Mjolnir. You have to be worth it, to swing it down your girls’ throat.

This means, before you can improve your sex-life, you need to conquer yourself first (weird how I always get back to this, right?).

You need to become a worthy man. A masculine man. A conqueror of worlds. Christian Grey in those novels is a rich winner. Being rich isn’t the important part, though. He is successful. Rich is only a metric of success. He is integrated, confident, successful, dominant.

Everything a woman drools over.

Word of warning

Be warned though. Right now you think you want that kind of woman. But a woman who is constantly hot for your dick can be annoying and a ton of work.

You think you want sex all the time. But it can actually be annoying, and “draining” to have sex constantly.

Some men just don’t know what they get themselves into.

I noticed that myself. Once I found my purpose and mission, I just had other things on my mind (which is part of the slut-creation), this then drove her crazy, and I just didn’t have the time or interest to fuck every other day.

I know I sound like talking smack here since you’re on this post for a reason and can’t fathom this would ever be an issue.

Well, it can be. Just be warned.

Women can steal a ton of energy as explained in the succubus archetype. This is something you need to be aware of.

Step by step to sluttiness

If you really want your personal slut and a kinky sex whore, here’s the way.

  • Find your purpose
  • Stop being needy (I tell you how)
  • Stop caring so much about sex (mutual exclusion)
  • Build your frame
  • Create a sexual environment

Basically, what you need to do is get your shit together. But becoming a masculine man doesn’t just happen overnight.

While confidence is just a mindset, it takes time to develop. So it flows out of you naturally. Women smell insecurity from a mile away. And even though you now know what she deeply desires, it falls with your vibe.

And for god’s sake, never ask her if she wants to be submissive. Again, this is something you bring onto her!

Male dominance is very subtle. It is calm, collected, integrated. It’s when you tell her to kneel before you without questioning if she’s going to do it. You know, she will. You can mouth the words, but if you second-guess it in your mind, you’re not confident in saying it. And then it will fail.

So here’s your plan. You start being masculine in everyday situations. This is the precursor to all of it.

They aren’t as emotionally loaded as sex, so you can practice. Be more and more secure in yourself. And over time (at least three months, she should at least notice a change in your behavior first) you can increase the dominance in the bedroom.

How to find your purpose?

Try a bunch of things.

You might think you don’t like XYZ, but you’re wrong. You just suck at it.

See, I always hated copywriting, or SEO (Search engine optimization) because it seemed tedious to me and too “sciency” to write these words. Instead of just typing out what I think.

But since I treat my blog and brand like a business (as you should) at some point I had to bite that bullet.

I educated myself, got better at it, and now I enjoy doing it. Why? Because it works.

If you’re good at something and you see results, you start to enjoy it. Even if it looked tedious before. So, do the following:

Whatever you like doing, DO THAT. This will probably need some knowledge upfront, soldier through it. Then, if you still don’t like it, do something else.

Fail forward. I started about 10 things before I ended up doing SELFCONQUERING.

Why is this important? Having a purpose and something you strive for which you actually like (unlike your 9-5 job) diverts your attention from your wives’ pussy.

You’re searching for external validation when you want to have sex with her. Validate yourself internally with a mission instead!

How to stop being needy for sex?

Handsome bearded man smoking cigar drinking whiskey
You think this guy is needy for sex? Or he doesn’t care?

You probably think you have a high sex drive because you masturbate often enough, and probably to porn.

This has fucked up your hormones, libido, and general connection to sex.

So, let’s cut that out second.

If you found your mission, you don’t have time for this anyway.

Boredom because I have nothing to do is a concept I am not familiar with. I always have shit to do. For my brand, books, blog, whatever. There is always something to do.

That’s why I don’t care so much about sex. I got other things to do!

This is where you need to get at. HAVE A LIFE!

A man does things. Do something you enjoy. A business! Create, change, conquer! Sex will come on its own then as you will learn now.

How to stop caring about sex? (mutual exclusion)

“The more you like her, the less she likes you and vice versa.”

This is the theme of mutual exclusion. This is a general law in the universe. We always want what we can’t have.

And if we can have a lot of something, we don’t want it (money might be the only exclusion here).

See, if you’re constantly on your wives’ ass, you’re constantly available. That’s why she doesn’t want to fuck you (amongst other reasons). Sex is abundant for her.

And you constantly want it because you can’t have it right now.

When I stopped caring about sex, and my wife was suddenly hot for me it was a weird feeling. Because I didn’t want it at the time. I realized how she felt all the time.

So, how to stop caring about sex? Have a mission, stop porn and masturbation, stop being on her ass all the time.

How to build your frame?

The masculine is the frame, in it the feminine will express herself.

If you don’t set boundaries, the image will look like shit and all over the place.

Build your frame with this blog post!

Create a sexual environment

Sensual blonde woman making shh
If you want her to do things she can’t tell anyone, she needs to feel comfortable.

If the whole house is filled with toys from your kids, dirty, and it stinks like poop from your kids’ diapers, there is nothing sexy.

Women are like flowers.

They bloom best in proper soil.

You need to create an environment for this to happen. A sex environment. For this, you need to

  • Find timeslots where you are away from the kids
    Let them sleep at your inlaws, go on a date, check her in the shower, etc.
  • Make her comfortable about sex and HER sex

The first bullet point is self-explanatory. The second needs more detail. She needs to be comfortable with talking about sex with you. And doing these things.

You cannot, I repeat, you cannot be judgmental about her sexual past (you should’ve vetted her before that, but that train left the station).

If she feels guilty about what she did or what she wants to do, then she will never do it.

Ask her calm and collected about her fantasies. And whatever she says, DO NOT JUDGE HER.

Sexual mastery isn’t judgmental. If she likes something or thinks about doing something (and she does, trust me), she needs to be comfortable with saying that. And then doing that with you.

This is precisely how you get the kinky sex you want.

This takes time, you will probably have to ask multiple times. But never judge her about it. Go and do it. Over time, she will open up more and more.

You can start with one of your deeper fantasies as well. Makes it easier for her, if you open up first. Build from there.

Dick is full forced attention

You know that your most valuable currency as a man is your attention. Women feed off of male attention. And your dick is full forced attention.

When you’re having sex, you only focus on her, she has everything of you. At least, most of it.

So here’s something to consider: If you are available at all times, why would she need the focused attention from your dick?

Make yourself rare. Best with following a mission. That occupies your time. You don’t need to move out, but follow your passion. Do your things. Don’t sit on the couch with her every evening, spend an evening working on your stuff.

Soon she will start to crave your attention. And if it is strong enough, she wants the full forced attention of you and tons of sex.

Practice makes manly

You see, men aren’t just men. They become men.

It is what you do, what you did, and what you are going to do despite the odds that makes you a man. So here are a few small details you will practice over the next six months to increase your manliness.

  • Have a mission; choose something to strive for. Success in that will yield confidence
  • Quit porn; it steals your confidence and actual sexual performance
  • Speak loud and clearly
  • Don’t use “uuhhm”. Only mouth your words if you’re clear on what you want to say
  • Choose where you are going to eat. Don’t ask her.
  • Attack one fear each month. Don’t like talking to strangers? Do that. Don’t like talking to women? Do exactly that.
  • Do a 30 day no sugar challenge. Not only is it healthy, it builds willpower. And respect from your girl.
  • Withdraw attention occasionally. Don’t force it, just do your thing.
  • Lift weights. Get fit. A masculine body doesn’t only work on women. It works on you! If you look in the mirror and look like a Gladiator, you also feel manly.
  • Be honest! Speak your mind. Maybe start slow with that, but increase it over time. Anywhere. Family, friends, your girl, colleagues.
  • Start a martial art. Not only will it make you healthier, fighting will stop you from overthinking, it will make you action-based. And if you can protect yourself, it gives you confidence.

Start to enjoy it

These are just a bunch of things you can do or all of them. This will teach you to be more masculine. And once you have a decent understanding of that, and practiced it a little bit, trust me, you will love your masculinity.

A man relishing in his masculinity, is a man who can’t be beaten.

The conqueror

I truly felt that myself. Especially after the first facefucking I did then, and the smile I saw on her face, I truly started to enjoy being masculine. This changed the sex we had forever.

You can’t describe this feeling. You feel whole. In tune with yourself. Once you reach this point, there is no going back.

And that’s when your girl will start to embrace her femininity, and then the sexual spark will come back. And you will have a sex-life, you can’t even imagine right now.

–Alexander Graves

Did you have any other experiences? Or maybe some more tips on how to get the wife wet? Let me know in the comments!

Wondering how to get your shit together? How to become more integrated, confident, and successful? By owning your shit!

This book is a handy guide on how to become more masculine, mental models to set your marriage up, and how to make your wife hot for you. Check it out!

own your sht make her submit
Own your shit, and turn your sex life around.

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About Alexander Graves

About Alexander Graves

Hey there! I'm Alexander Graves and I teach men how to live a life of happiness, abundance, and joy, without using weird techniques. Just by being your authentic self.