This will be VERY personal.
I am on a healing retreat right now.
Not an actual retreat, but a (lunar) month of focusing on healing traumas, etc.
One of those traumas I had for the longest time, haunting me for decades now was when I grabbed a random girls ass on a party in croatia about 15 years (or more ago).
Why is this a trauma?
And what’s the lesson?
Stick with me…
The scene came to be when I was with male friends only on a party vacation in croatia.
Just drinking alcohol like a mad man and partying all night.
You know, traumatized teenager stuff (so everyone these days)
At that time, I was still VERY insecure in myself, my sexuality, and what I thought I should be.
Although any “should” is always bs, but you get my point.
I was about 18-20 years old.
Still a virgin at that time IIRC.
So I was with a guy on that party who was much more experienced, much taller, much more of a “ladies man.”
You can see the pattern.
The whole drinking alcohol, partying, being “cool” was all trying to fit in.
The underlying reason to “fit in” was the get laid/get a girl.
Which underlying reason was finally experiencing some form of love because I didn’t get much as a child.
(I still don’t remember much from my childhood, I guess I am suppressing it)
Right before a trauma happens, your consciousness takes a picture. Milliseconds before that. And this snapshot sticks in your mind as a hologram that will forever drive your decisions.
So this guy just randomly tells me at some point, “dude these girls are so loose over here, I just grabbed some girls’ ass and she smiled at me.”
Now, looking back, I don’t know if he was lying to feel better about himself to hide his insecurities (could very well be, a lot of male bravado is really about covering up insecurities),
or if he really did it and that happened.
Either way, my mind started racing:
- Dude I gotta do this also, or he thinks less of me
- Maybe it actually works and I finally get laid
- Getting some sort of female (sexual) validation to feel like a man
- Getting said validation to feel any kind of (female) love
You see the patterns.
All driven by insecurity and weakness.
Well, of course, I went for it.
Some girl walked by, I grabbed her ass.
She turned around, called me an asshole and pushed me aside. Only THEN did I realize she was holding hands with a guy (her boyfriend), which saw me and was about to beat the shit out of me, if his gf didn’t pull him away, cussing some more.
So the fear of potential physical pain with public humiliation, getting beaten up on that party etc. created that trauma which
WAS INFLICTED BY MY OWN ACTIONS.
which were 100000% driven by insecurities.
The best thing I only realize now, 15 years later.
I created evil that day.
This girl potentially then thought of men being assholes and sexual pigs (if she didn’t think this already). I might even have given her some trauma, big or small, about walking through crowds and being touched inappropriately.
I might have ruined her future relationships that subconsciously this always pops up when her boyfriend with good intentions grabs her ass (maybe even sexual trauma).
And many more things I don’t know that could come from this.
This means, through my own insecurities and weakness, of NOT having solved my traumas and issues I created evil that day and potentially ruined a girls life.
Or not.
I don’t know.
But the possibility is there.
I definitely created karma.
So here is your lesson:
Your insecurities, neurosis, and shadow are making you do things that create evil in the world or at the very least, within yourself.
So unless you solve your issues, stand up for your needs, you ARE exactly the evil you are trying to fight with your moralistic stances.
The work doesn’t start with other people.
It starts with you.
TODAY.
I recently covered HOW to do trauma work and what it entails in my long-form (just 1 1/2 hours 😀 ) FULL Self Improvement beginners guide on Youtube here.
It’s simple but not easy, you need to FACE the emotions you were trying to avoid at that moment.
In my case, the emotions of NOT fitting in, the emotions of NOT getting female love (yet again) of feeling unworthy.
THEN, the trauma vanishes.
It is THE foundation of everything.
Want to live a good life?
Start with yourself.
If you need more guidance on yourself and HOW to achieve that, I recently launched the ACTIVATED Life Community with many deep, unsettling, powerful, helpful, enlightening, and crazy insights into reality and yourself.
Until then,
don’t grope random women…
Alexander
