How to not need external validation?

Tattooed old man with t rex head using smartphone

These days we are so concerned with “winning” at life, so we can post our new Mercedes on Instagram. But this post isn’t about fancy cars. These people posting shit on Instagram always look so happy. They are better than you. Steps ahead in life. So how do we catch up?

Well, quite simple.
We don’t.

All of it is external validation and nets you nothing. So here’s how to not need external validation.

A society rooted in external validation

Society changed a lot over the past decades. Everything is fake these days. Literally everything. Food, cars, hair, sex, love, friendship, games, movies, social media, and most importantly, the people themselves.

Want proof, check out this clip:

We laugh about this, but it’s actually very sad.

This clip sparked my interest to write this post, but I noticed this recently with a lot of people.

You guys are so concerned with how you look on Social Media. How your so-called “friends” portray you, that you can’t even show your real emotions.

You can show them between thousands of people in that stadium, but not to your closest friends. Why? Because they have it so much better than you. But do they really?

Why get external validation from ruined people?

Tattooed old man with t rex head using smartphone for external validation
Too many of you are trying so hard to get externally validated by social media.

Internalize the following:

Most people are a complete mess inside.

Maybe 0.0001% of people truly have it figured out. The rest of us humans is stumbling through life. Fucking things up here and there.

I usually keep telling guys this fact in regard to women. Girls don’t have relationships figured out, either.

Men tend to think they need to act according to their women. Horseshit. They are just as fucked up as you are.

The wise man knows that every person he always encounters, is wearing a mask. A true man can see beyond.

The conqueror

So are all humans. You let yourself be blinded by social media, and stars on TV, all of which look like they have the greatest lives, but it’s all bullshit.

And then you need to ask yourself this. Why do you draw your external validation from other people which are completely fucked up?

You have a friend who is constantly fucking drunk and achieves nothing, but posts an Image of his leased Mercedes he doesn’t actually own and it makes you feel bad.


Reality check

The reality is, that pretty much everyone is heavily in debt, most people have relationship issues, most Twitter alpha’s don’t fuck half as many hot 19-year-old blondes as they say, and if someone brags about their sex-life in a marriage, they usually haven’t seen each other naked in years.

And how could they?

The average buying power has been declining for decades, so how do you think people afford these fancy cars and houses? Crippling debt.

People spend most of their daytime working a shit job, and when they get home they binge Netflix. At what time do you think are they taking care of their relationship? They don’t.

People eat all sorts of shit, that makes them tired and useless, when do you think are they gonna have the energy to have sex? Never.

How to not need external validation?

Handsome man outdoors with sunglasses

Now that we cleared that up, which should already help, I will teach you how to not need external validation at all.

Because at this point, I don’t give a fuck about anyone’s opinion of me. Not even my wife’s.

How to do it? Simple. Have a mission.

You need something you absolutely love doing that propels you forward. Irrelevant what it is. I started my blog you’re just reading. For you, it could be something completely different.

But you need something that keeps you going!

Most people are externally validated because they have nothing for themselves. They don’t do shit to further their life.

They just exist. Naturally you need to get your validation from somewhere.

That’s why you are trying SO HARD to get into your wife’s pants, because getting laid will validate you as a man.

I don’t care if I have sex this week or next week. I got shit to do!

I don’t care if anyone likes my blog or not. I do it for myself! None of my friends actually know about it.

How to be internally validated

When you follow your path and your mission, you will eventually be externally validated through other things.

Followers on Twitter, bragging with your Lamborghini, whatever.

Nothing wrong with flaunting your cars. But be aware why you do it and who you are trying to impress.

Yourself for what you accomplished? (Correct)
Your neighbor for what you accomplished? (Wrong)

See, it’s these small details in your perception and your mindset that make a huge difference.

Hidden external validation

There are also some detrimental forms of this.

For example, if you still watch a ton of porn, and you see these crazy things these people do, you will want to do it with your wife.

But is it really because you want to try new things and spice it up, or is it because you want to feel better because you got your wife to do it?

In the latter case she is validating yourself through doing kinky shit.

A wise man finds balance between attacking his own shortcomings and not being devoured by them.

The conqueror

There is nothing wrong with kinky sex, but be aware why you want it. Sometimes these thoughts are very hidden.

Observe your mind. Your thoughts. Your reaction. Where is the source of the validation coming from?

This fucking blog

You might now think of me as a hypocrite, since I write on this blog, telling people how to fix their life, which would imply I have it all figured out.

I don’t.

But I am at least acknowledging it, and trying to get it fixed.

And I solely post on this blog what I’ve learned through my experiences. So, you and me, we’re both already ahead of 99% of people. For one important reason: We don’t mourn the fact that shit is bad. We attack it.

The teacher learns more by teaching his students than they do.

The conqueror

See, most people are like the two in that clip above. Life sucks, smile for social media, do nothing about it. The conqueror, however, doesn’t cry about how life sucks. He goes out and changes it.

So you’re already on the right track.

This post is just to remind yourself, that people rarely have it figured out.

But focusing on their issues is pointless. Focus on your own mission. And stop caring what other people think of you.

And in turn, don’t belittle yourself for not posting your new car on Instagram. If you’re building assets, improving yourself, and setting your course, you can ignore these LARPers.

–Alexander Graves

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