We all are driven by our ego to do things. But if you truly want to be happy and successful in life, you need to learn how to kill your ego. Technically, you will never fully kill it, you need to kill the wrong part of it. Because that ego is the enemy of your own happiness. What do I mean by this?
What is the ego?
Your ego is the image you have of yourself. That being you are. But sadly, that image is often times, or rather, most times, completely wrong. And secondly, it gets its “fuel” from the wrong sources.
As long as man gets his self-worth from other people’s image of him, he is easily controllable.The Conqueror
Let’s put this in more concrete terms. Sex. There is a part of your ego that derives external validation from getting laid. Ignore the basic Darwinistic need for survival for a second, if you have sex with a woman, you get some sort of validation from it, because you managed to get laid. THAT is the bad part of your ego.
The tribe and yourself
Back in the days, we got our ego and our self-worth determined by the group, the tribe. You were put into your place and who you were by the choice of the collective. Some old languages don’t even have a word for “I”. That thing simply didn’t exist. We weren’t individuals, we were born, lived, and died within the group. We were part of something bigger.
Once we developed technology and tools to form the nature around us to fit our needs better, we gained control of it. But this also meant that individuals gained control over things, more than the collective. If you were the one swinging the sword, and having fighting skills, YOU were the one with the skill and doing the work. Even as a part of the group, it was YOU.
As technology grew and got more advanced, the old thinking of the tribe felt “restricting” to the individual. If you work and think within the group, you don’t get to fully express what you want. You can’t get your needs fully met. Therefore it restricted the freedom of the individual. We basically woke up to being individuals, instead of being part of something bigger. Debatable if this was good or bad, honestly.
Being apart from the tribe meant, the ego needed to be formed to make you someone special. Who is just different from the tribe, or even better. Otherwise, you couldn’t rationalize why you would leave the safety of the group. Even if it is obvious like the sword fighting. Technically, anyone in the group could learn it. So your brain needed to come up with a reason why you are just better, why you are “special,” have “talent” in these things, and not others.
If you accept that you aren’t who you think you are, not someone special, this will throw you into Chaos at first. Which is what you should seek voluntarily, at least after reading this blog post. But evolutionary, you rationalized you being special into existence to make sense of why you would leave the group. Or why you would be better than anyone else in the group. This quickly formed an elite of people, who ruled over the supposedly inferior by dominating them. If they successfully dominated them and got, therefore, put above the others, that reinforced the notion that they are, in fact, special.
The unhealthy ego
The problem with this is, that this ego is a) not based in reality, it was more or less forced into existence, and b) is a big hindrance to your actual growth. Because it covers your flaws in bullshit. This is why we call it the unhealthy ego. You need to overcome that, truly see your flaws, so you’re able to fix them.
Becoming one with yourself requires you to kill off your mental image of yourself, and merge it with the real image of yourself.The Conqueror
Because, after all, this ego is purely based on how others perceive you. External validation. If you bring yourself in an elite position by force or by election, doesn’t matter. You still base yourself as being elite on how others see you. And nobody ever really knows who you are. They just see what you portray.
And if there is a huge discrepancy between your portrayed self and your true self, this will eventually bite your ass. Fake it till you make it only works for so long.
The healthy ego
Being 100% selfless isn’t good either (and actually doesn’t work). You need to be “rationally egoistical”. Because you want to fix all your flaws to become the best version of yourself. This way, you actually have value to the world.
Be selfish; The selfish man becomes the best version of himself. That will help more people than he can imagine.The Conqueror
The only correct way to be the best person in the world is by focusing on yourself. This might sound backward, but if you focus on yourself, and fix all your damn issues, you become a better person for everyone else. And in turn, you will either inspire them to become better (and better even more people and society) or you help them by creating stuff that works for them (like this blog). So being selfish is actually the best you can be. As always, society told you its bad because they don’t understand the concept fully. As with everything.
“Only when you destroy your ego, you become worthy of having one.”
The healthy ego, or the rational ego, whatever you wanna call it, is the focus on yourself. Your true self, and how to overcome your flaws, without deriving self-worth from external sources. This has to come from your inner self.
How happiness is really achieved
If you derive your self-worth from external sources, and thus your happiness, it can be gone at any given second. If you’re a successful celebrity, and your ego is that you’re a great actor, every time someone writes a bad article about your skills, they ruin your happiness. You can build shields over time, sure, but deep down this will hurt you. Every time you see an actor go apeshit about bad reviews (like pretty much any SJW movie and their very shitty scripts), you know their unhealthy ego was in charge of this.
If you are fine with your flaws, then you’ve successfully killed off your unhealthy ego, and fully operate from rational egoism. Nobody can harm you. You don’t care if someone talks shit about your writings, acting, sex skills, or whatever. Because you don’t do it for others, you do it for yourself. And if you are happy with your performance, what anyone else says is irrelevant. Don’t confuse this with the body positivity movement again. They accept all their flaws and do jackshit about it. This is only half the show. The important part is accepting AND fixing them.
It is not enough to accept your flaws. You need to make conscious effort to go on fixing them.The Conqueror
If you derive happiness from external factors, you engage in a huge covert contract (I talk about this in my book). You do the things, and in turn, you expect positive reinforcement from other people. But they don’t know that you need that to feel whole. They don’t know they are part of a contract (hence the “covert”). And if you don’t get your reinforcement, you build up resentment. This is a fundamental issue in lots of marriages (I do X, in return, I will get sex, even though I never voiced that contract).
How to kill your ego
Now that you know which part you need, and which you don’t, how do you actually kill the unhealthy part, and develop a rational egoism?
Make a list of all your flaws
You need to be brutally honest, and that will be tough. While you do this, remember to focus on people’s actions towards you, and not their words. For example, if you think you’re a sex god, but you basically need to beg for sex, and it’s just starfishing, then you suck in bed. No matter what she says, the medium is the message.
If you hit the gym a lot, but you’re still over 20% bodyfat, you’re not doing it correctly, or you have some other issues regarding your diet, body, etc.
Write everything down, from sex, over how you talk to people, your posture, your job, your family, everything in your life.
Go through your list and write down where you get your validation from with that specific behavior or skill. Is it externally, or internally? Is it very important to you that your wife has an orgasm every time you have sex? Do you care about this more than your own pleasure? Then sex is probably an external validation factor for you.
A man needs to reflect on where he gets his validation from. Is it externally? Rethink your life! Man validates himself.The Conqueror
Be honest with yourself! This is a very important step. Don’t take it lightly. Judge real harshly! Act as if this list is someone else you’re judging. You know all the details because you see it through their eyes, but you are an external bystander making the rating. This helps detaching a bit.
Pick em, fix em
There will probably be a lot on that list of external validation. Pick a few, not all at once, and go out being selfish about them. Which means, focus on yourself with those flaws. Whatever it is, don’t care what anyone else might think of you doing it, go out and fix your damn flaws. Don’t pick too much at once, or you will be overwhelmed. People have lived with the other flaws for quite some time, they can last a bit longer. (Also, who cares about them, right?)
Make a conscious effort to work on your issues every day. Track your progress! Make a spreadsheet (I actually have one attached to the book). You need to be able to see yourself making progress in the right direction. Otherwise, you never get shit done.
If you want to be better with women, approach 2 girls each day (or whatever number). Want to be better at writing? Write 500 words each day. Want to be better in bed? Read the Sex God Method each day, and implement a new knowledge every time you have sex.
Building a healthy version of it
This is the only way to build the healthy ego. Because now you will actually get better at things. Through actively fixing your flaws, you will become a better person in real life, and not just in your mind. That feeds your healthy ego because you know you are good at X, Y, and Z. Because you actively took measures to fix it.
Obviously, this will take time, but it’s the real deal. This will build true confidence because nobody can do shit to you. You know who you are and what you are capable of. No matter what anyone says. That is true, lived confidence. And where does it come from? Rational egoism.